Dear darling boy,
Today is your first birthday. I don’t know how. I truly don’t. This year was easily the fastest one in history. And I’m having all the mama feels just thinking about the beauty of your arrival. That wild and crazy birth, when you immediately taught us that you were always going to keep us on our toes. That night was so linear, and also such a blur. Yet I will never forget how I felt when I first held you, my first son. I don’t know what I said or the way in which everything happened , but I remember how you changed me. How I fell instantly in love with you, a feeling I had never had before, even with your sister. It was this immediate “I just want to hold you like this forever” kind of love. And I never wanted to let you go.
I still feel that way. More so. So much more so. And as sad as I am that my days with you as a baby are fleeting, I am loving witnessing your evolution into a bigger, thinking, moving human. You are a crazy loud spirit who winds up his arm and throws anything he gets his hands on. Who snuggles up to anyone who will let you and loves balloons and balls and remotes and classic rock. You spit out food, but happily eat chalk and dirt and sand and rocks and we can't tear you away from a toilet bowl or a sprinkler. You only sit with your knees forward and legs backwards and it’s so weird and amazing but it's YOU. And oh the way you adore you big sister even as she body slams you daily. You say hi to everyone who walks by - yes sometimes you may say "hi dog" to a human or an animal that’s not a dog, but we know your heart.
Sleeping next to you every night is truly one of the greatest gifts in my life. The way you cuddle next to me, pick up your head and look at me and then send your body (or head) crashing into mine with relief that I am there with you. The way you say mamamamamamamama over and over again and look up at me with those big, brown eyes that I stupidly assumed would be green. I am YOURS! FOREVER! When you grab my face and smoosh it into yours, full of slobber and joy. The way you laugh with this deep belly laugh so easily and over nothing, yet also screech and scream with a pitch so high, I think it belongs in a horror movie. I’M STILL YOURS!
I am worried that I didn’t soak in every minute of the precious days of you as a baby. I am sad that I can’t remember chunks of it, didn’t always take enough pictures and wrote very little down. Truthfully I'm not sure where the last 366 days (leap year) have gone, and I know the next years to come will go even faster. But oh how I wish I could slow down the time and keep my heart from aching.
Because you will not always be little like this. And one day, you won't want to always be near me like you do right now. I don’t know who you will become or what you will do or whom you will love, but dear, darling boy, please just be you. Because you are a sweet incredible wonder whom I fell in love with faster than I thought anyone could love anything. And that feeling was the purest I have ever known. So there is no way that being anything but yourself could ever be wrong.
You are are a love and a light and a beauty and it is a blessing to be your mother. Happy first birthday. May you always know how much you are adored and how thankful we are for you.
I love you.